Are “Reasonable” Expectations Ruining Your Wedding?
You might think your expectations are completely reasonable, but what if they’re the reason you feel frustrated, unsupported, or emotionally drained during wedding planning?
In this episode of The Aisle Help Podcast, Courtney breaks down one of the sneakiest sources of wedding stress.
The Manual: The invisible rule book we create for how other people “should” behave.
From your fiancé to your mom, bridesmaids, or even your vendors, these unspoken rules often sound justified (“Of course my mom should be supportive!”), but they quietly tie your happiness to other people’s behavior, and that’s where things get messy.
When you learn to recognize your manuals and replace them with clean requests and self-leadership, you’ll experience more peace, power, and joy in your planning.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
What a “manual” is (and how it secretly shapes your wedding experience)
Why “reasonable” expectations often lead to resentment and stress
The key difference between a manual and a clean request
This isn’t about lowering your standards or letting people walk all over you.
It’s about learning the kind of leadership that makes wedding planning (and marriage) feel grounded, connected, and truly joyful.
When you stop managing everyone else and start leading yourself, planning becomes lighter, calmer, and filled with ease and connection.
💍 If you’re ready to stop tying your happiness to other people’s behavior and start leading yourself with calm, clarity, and confidence, Vision to Vows is your next step.
It’s the program where we take this work deeper, helping you plan your wedding in a way that feels simple and stress-free while also building the kind of self-trust and communication skills that create a strong, lasting marriage.
✨ Join the Vision to Vows Priority List today at courtneydelgado.com/join to get early access, behind-the-scenes updates, and a special invitation when doors open for Founding Members.
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And in wedding planning, you might have what you think are reasonable expectations. And then when people fail to meet these reasonable expectations, so many brides end up hurt, resentful, or frustrated. Relationships, friendships, family relationships end up suffering all because we had a manual for how other people should behave.
If you want a wedding that's more than just a date on the calendar, one that's a joyful celebration, totally unforgettable for all the right reasons, there is one thing you need to know. The way you feel while you plan your wedding shapes how you'll remember it. So this isn't your typical wedding podcast. It's where self -leadership and intentional joy meet simple, effective strategy to help you create not only a dream wedding day, but also a strong, connected foundation for your future.
Subscribe now and let's plan a wedding you'll treasure forever. I'm your host, Courtney Delgado, and this is The Aisle Help Podcast.
Welcome back to The Aisle Help Podcast. I'm Courtney Delgado. And today I have a good one for you.
This is a topic, today's topic is one that when I learned this, it quite literally without exaggeration changed my life.
And a couple of weeks ago, I did an episode that was 10 Ways To Make Wedding Planning Hard. Number eight on that list was to have a manual for everyone.
And I've gotten a lot of questions about what a manual is, what that means, what it means to have a manual, what you should do instead. So I decided that this was a great time to take a moment and really explain this concept of a manual more fully.
So let's start at the beginning.
What is a manual? A manual is sort of an unwritten rule book that we create for other people in our lives. And this rule book explains how people should behave the things that they should do or not do.
So we create manuals for, for almost everyone in our life. We create them for our partners, our friends, our family, our coworkers, our neighbors. Some of us even have manuals for strangers that we encounter out in the world, the random people who are also at the grocery store with us.
We have ideas about the, about what their behavior should be, things that they should do or not do. And manuals come up in all areas of our life. So if you had a manual for your neighbor, a line in that manual, one of the rules that you may have written for your neighbors is that neighbors should be friendly. And even if you're not actually friends, you should be cordial. And when you drive down the street, when you pass each other's cars, you should give each other a little smile or a little wave and a nod and acknowledge each other.
And then, when someone doesn't follow your manual, this is the reason why manuals are tricky, because if someone doesn't follow that rule that we've written in our manual, if, for example, our neighbor doesn't give a friendly nod and wave when we pass each other in our cars on the street, we end up getting upset because their behavior isn't matching what we think they should be doing.
When we create these manuals, we end up tying our emotions to whether people do or do not follow the rules that we've written. So we feel happy when people are following our manuals, and we feel frustrated or upset when they are not following our manuals, when they are not following these rules that we've created.
And oftentimes, we don't even realize that we have a manual. We just think that these rules that we have written are reasonable expectations that everyone should be meeting.
Such a good example of this actually came up this week.
My husband and I were out, and we were looking for a spot in a parking lot that was maybe not filled to capacity, but pretty full. And we were, you know, kind of driving up and down the lanes, and there was a person there parked who had very purposefully parked in a way to take up two parking spots.
And this was a crowded parking lot and my assumption is that they parked in this way because they didn't want any other cars to get close to them and, you know, maybe like open a door into them or whatever. So they purposefully parked straddling the line so that they were taking up two spots.
And my husband was so frustrated at this person who parked the car, this stranger in the parking lot, because he thought that this was such an obnoxious and inconsiderate thing to do to just take up two parking spots in a very filled lot. And I actually agreed with him. I did think that it was an inconsiderate thing to do, but I didn't have an emotional reaction to this stranger's behavior. And the important difference was that my husband has a line in his manual that says strangers in parking lots, strangers out in the world should not behave in obnoxious or inconsiderate ways. And I, on the other hand, remembered, knew that people are allowed to be inconsiderate if they want to be.
Sometimes people are rude. Sometimes people are inconsiderate. And I don't have to be upset by their behavior.
But that's how manuals work. They are so sneaky.
It feels reasonable to expect that people should not be inconsiderate, that they should park one car in one parking spot. But everyone's definition of reasonable is different. And that is why we end up getting frustrated.
And in wedding planning, you might have what you think are reasonable expectations. And then when people fail to meet these reasonable expectations, so many brides end up hurt, resentful, or frustrated. Relationships, friendships, family relationships end up suffering all because we had a manual for how other people should behave.
In wedding planning, a manual might look like a rule that says my mom should be supportive, or you might have a manual for your fiance that says they should care about the details, or they should want to talk about all of the details with me whenever I want to bring it up. If you had a manual for your bridesmaids, there might be a line in there that says my bridesmaids should check in on me and ask me how it's going and offer to help without me having to reach out to them first. Right?
These might seem like very reasonable expectations, but when we have expectations for how other people should behave, how other adults should behave, and then we tie our emotions to whether or not they meet these expectations, we're setting ourselves up for disappointment.
And the thing that we have to remember, the thing that's so important is that your feelings are not created by other people's behavior. Your feelings are created by your thoughts and the stories that you tell about other people's behavior.
So that person in the parking lot that took up two spots, my husband had a thought that they were being obnoxious and that they shouldn't be obnoxious and that they shouldn't have parked the way that they parked. And so when he was thinking that their behavior was wrong and that they should behave differently, that they should not be inconsiderate, he became frustrated. His emotions were tied to whether or not other people in the world behave in a considerate or inconsiderate way.
In wedding planning, if everyone followed your manual, if your bridesmaids always checked in on you regularly, if they offered to help, if they were always 100% supportive and available and you never had to reach out to them to ask for anything, you’d probably tell a story, think thoughts like, “they love me,” “they care for me,” “they're being a good friend,” “wedding planning is going well,” “my wedding is going to turn out wonderfully,” right? And then when you think those thoughts, when that is the story you're telling about other people's behavior, you'll feel calm, you'll feel loved, you'll feel joyful or excited for the wedding.
But when they don't follow your manual, we often tell stories that make it mean something negative, like “they don't care,” “they're selfish,” “I'm alone in this,” “I have to do all of the work,” “I'll never get it done.” And if we tell those stories, if we think those thoughts, we might end up feeling frustrated, lonely, upset, overwhelmed, or stressed.
And the thing about manuals is we end up feeling powerless because we have decided unconsciously that our happiness, our emotions, our peace, our joy on our wedding day depends on other people's behavior and on whether other people do or don't do the things that we think that they should do, the rules that we've written in our manuals.
And when your emotions are tied to other people's behavior, whether or not they are following the rules that you've written in your manual, when your joy, your happiness, your experience on your wedding day depends on them behaving the way that you want them to behave. The only option then is to try to control and manipulate other people because the underlying belief there is that you'll feel better, you'll feel good, you'll feel happy when they behave differently.
And wedding planning ends up feeling tense and exhausting instead of just actually planning a wedding, you're also trying to control and manage everyone else's behavior and everyone else's emotions.
Most struggling brides have some kind of manual for the people in their lives and the people they're working with to plan their wedding. And I understand why it is such a common thing. Most people never examine the manuals that they have created for other people in their lives.
Some relationship advice even suggests listing out your needs and then giving that list to your partner for them to meet. You might have heard wedding planning advice that taught you to communicate your needs like, “I need you to take initiative,” or “I need you to be more excited.”
And I actually think that this is not great advice.
You can absolutely make requests and you can absolutely have those conversations, but ultimately we are all individually responsible for our own emotions and for meeting our own needs.
Real empowerment means meeting your own emotional needs and not waiting for other people to act differently.
So let's talk about the difference between making a request and having a manual because we've mentioned it a few times and this difference is important.
Most brides, like I said, don't even realize that they have a manual because the things in their manual sound so reasonable. You think, “of course, my mom should be supportive” or “it's obvious that my fiance should care about the details.” “It's not too much to ask that my fiance want to talk about it with me when I want to bring it up.” It feels like common sense that this is the way people should behave.
And that is exactly how manuals hide.
They show up as expectations that you believe are understood and clear and fair.
The problem is that a manual doesn't just ask someone to behave in a certain way. You have to remember it ties your emotional peace to whether they do it or not.
So it ends up sounding like, “I need you to do this so that I can feel supported.” Or “if you don't do it, I'll feel unappreciated or unloved.”
You're not just asking for something. You're not just making a request. You're handing over your peace of mind and your emotions.
And that is the biggest difference between a manual and a request. If your happiness is attached to someone else meeting that request, you have a manual. A clean request, on the other hand, comes from self-responsibility. It sounds like, “here's what would really support me.” “I'd love it if you could help with this.”
And the important part is that if someone doesn't comply with your request, you're still going to be OK. The difference is in the energy. A manual demands and controls, but a clean request invites and allows other people to do what they want.
Because you might have noticed, we really can't control people anyways. And people don't like being controlled. When you make a clean request, you decide how you want to think and how you want to feel, no matter how the other person responds.
And then you decide what you want to do next. You could set a boundary, ask again, adjust expectations, or just move forward on your own.
That is where the real empowerment lies. When your calm and your clarity and your joy don't depend on anyone else following your manual.
Now there are times in life and in wedding planning where it is appropriate to have expectations and to communicate those expectations. With a vendor, for example, it's appropriate to speak with them and to be clear about mutually agreed upon deadlines and deliverables.
The difference, again, is that your emotional state doesn't depend on whether or not they meet those expectations. And if you have a vendor that's consistently unresponsive or if they're missing deadlines, you get to decide what your boundaries are and how you want to respond. You might ask for your money back or break the contract. And you can do all of that without attaching your emotional wellbeing to their behavior.
Another manual that brides often have is that wedding guests should RSVP by the specified date. And it would be amazing if they all did, but some guests don't. And almost without fail, someone will RSVP and then last minute let you know they can't actually make it. And you get to decide how you want to respond and you can do so without attaching any emotion to it.
I once knew a bride who sort of had a competitive relationship with her cousin who also happened to be engaged at the same time. And we worked a lot on my bride's relationship with her cousin and her manual for her cousin, her rules about how her cousin should behave, things she should do or not do. And she was really able to transform her expectations and put down the manual. She started creating clean boundaries and creating more self-leadership for how she showed up for that relationship.
So then when her cousin came to my client's bridal shop, and showed up wearing a dress that wasn't exactly white, it had a pattern, but the pattern was small and the background was a shade that was a little too close to white that lots of people agreed was a questionable choice. My bride, it was so beautiful, she wasn't even bothered by it. It didn't ruin my client's mood or her experience at her bridal shower at all.
And, you know, do I think it's not a great move to show up to someone else's bridal shower wearing something a little too similar to white? Yeah, I mean, I definitely wouldn't recommend it. I don't think that it's a great thing to do. But just like that random guy in the parking lot who was inconsiderate and took up two parking spots, sometimes people do things that we don't think are nice and that we don't think are considerate and that we might think are a little inappropriate.
And how unfortunate would it have been for my client if she still needed her cousin to act in a certain way, to act in a non-competitive way, or to wear a certain dress or a certain color in order for my client to enjoy her own bridal shower? If she had given that power away to her cousin, her day would have been ruined. Instead, she stayed fully in her power and fully in the moment. She stayed present and she had an amazing time.
You can absolutely lead your wedding team, your family, your fiance, your vendors, without emotional manipulation. Setting expectations is normal and staying calm and confident when they aren’t met, is leadership. And taking responsibility for your own emotions and letting go of your manual does not mean that other people are going to start to walk all over you or just do whatever they want.
The truth is they were always going to do whatever they wanted. And if they were going to ignore a request or miss a deadline or not be supportive, they were going to do that whether your emotions were connected to it or not. Trying to control other people's behavior and getting upset about their behavior doesn't actually work.
When you stop trying to manage everyone else and you focus on leading yourself, planning becomes lighter, calmer, and filled with connection. When you are managing your own emotions and your emotions aren't tied and connected to someone else's behavior, you're actually in a better position to problem solve and to come up with solutions when you need them.
Because you always get to decide how you want to respond, and you can create clean boundaries and protect your own peace when it's necessary.
Manuals and clean boundaries are like peanut butter and jelly. They go together perfectly.
So be sure to join me next week because we are going to continue this conversation. We are going to talk about clean boundaries and we'll talk about some of the mistakes I see people making when they first start to set boundaries.
In the meantime, my challenge for you this week is to pick one person and throw out your manual for them. Practice putting it down. Notice how it feels to let them just be themself and how much calmer, more grounded, and more joyful you feel in return.
If this episode was helpful, if you're ready to stop trying to manage and control everyone else, and instead you want to lead yourself with more calm, clarity, and confidence, Vision to Vows is where we take this work even deeper.
It's my brand new program and it shows brides how to plan their wedding in a way that feels simple and stress -free while also building the kind of self-trust and communication skills that create a strong lasting marriage.
You'll learn exactly how to lead yourself through every part of wedding planning from the vision and decisions to uncomfortable conversations and creating clean boundaries so you can create a dream day and a dream marriage.
If that sounds good to you, come and jump on the Vision to Vows Priority List. It's where I'll be sharing early access, behind the scenes updates, and a special invitation for founding members when the doors open.
Visit courtneydelgado.com/join to get on the priority list now. That's courtneydelgado.com/join
If you're ready to make wedding planning feel simple, joyful, and stress-free, you have to sign up for my 30 days of wedding planning support. This free series is my love letter to brides who want their dream wedding without the overwhelm.
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It's everything you need to feel calm, clear, and in control without losing sight of what matters most. Visit courtneydelgado.com/30days and get started now. That's courtneydelgado.com/30days
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